[Review] Joe Buzz

Joe Buzz is a really neat product. It is a small snus pouch designed to be placed between your gum and lip, left in for 30 minutes, and then discarded once the high amount of caffeine has been absorbed through your oral membrane. Of course, I was immediately reminded of the Revved Up Energy Dip I reviewed forever ago, but thankfully there is no tobacco in Joe Buzz; it is instead made from real coffee. The concept itself is great and provides the opportunity for discreet, effective caffeine ingestion without having to slam back an energy drink or suffer through that shitty Amp gum. Concept alone will only carry a product so far, and thankfully Joe Buzz is able to deliver an adequate effect.

The pouches are available in three different flavors: Grape, Watermelon, and Mint Chocolate.

Joe Buzz Coffee

Grape:

Intrigued at the proposition of a grape-flavored coffee pouch, I tore open the resealable package and stuck my nose cautiously inside. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was greeted with an initially confusing but not entirely unpleasant aroma. The coffee and grape odors were mixed in a manner that reminded me of my little league baseball days, when Big League Chew and my stimulant-dependent grandmother’s yellowed dentures could always be found in my duffle bag. I placed the packet awkwardly inside my mouth and let it mellow. The flavor wasn’t necessarily bad, yet like the aroma it was very strange. The grape was prominent over the the coffee’s bitterness, but wasn’t quite strong enough to cover it up completely. Instead the flavors aggressively grinded upon one another atop the dance floor that is my tongue.

Watermelon:

The next day, I decided to dip into the Watermelon flavor. The experience was essentially the same; the aroma was reminiscent of fruit-flavored gum with a coffee undertone. But before I could pop it into my mouth, a curious co-worker, who happens to be black, axed me what I had. I briefly explained the product, and as soon as I mentioned the word “watermelon” he stole the pouch and stuffed it in his cheek. About five minutes later he spat it in the trash, punched me in the stomach, and stole my shoes. Needless to say, he’s no longer with the company. But I digress. The watermelon flavor really doesn’t work too well here. It blends with the coffee in an unpleasant fashion, presenting the user with an artificially-flavored bitterness in their saliva that pools on the palate, just begging to be spat out.

Mint Chocolate:

Easily the best of the three flavors, the mint chocolate variation is a truly enjoyable product. The aromatic factors of the cool mint, sweet chocolate, and rich coffee come together like pigs in a blanket — where “pigs” refers to your mom and “blanket” refers to MY blanket. Sucka. At any rate, the flavor is fantastic and truly enjoyable, and never once was my mouth confused about the biracial relationship of fruit and coffee. Instead I was treated to a thoroughly sweet, satisfyingly succulent product with a refreshing mint flavor that accompanies the delightfully bitter bite of the real coffee inside of the pouch. If you’re looking to try just one variant of Joe Buzz, make it Mint Chocolate.

Final Words:

The innovative delivery method is efficient, the price is right, the kick is sustained, and the experience isn’t ruined by jitters or a depressive crash. Though two of the flavors — Grape and Watermelon — weren’t quite as pleasant as I would have liked, the Mint Chocolate Joe Buzz caffeinated pouch is easily among the best oral energy supplements on the market. I would really like to see the company add a few more flavors to their lineup; ones more compatible with the coffee flavor. Dulce de leche and vanilla bean immediately pop into mind.

Pros

  • Efficient delivery
  • Sustained energy with no crash
  • Mint Chocolate

Cons

  • Grape and Watermelon aren’t ideal pairings with coffee
  • Pouches are a bit too big

Scores:

Grape: 7.0
Watermelon: 4.5
Mint Chocolate: 9.0 

Hit up Joe Buzz’s site to learn more and purchase your own.

Other reviews:

edjunkie

[Review] Samba99 Guarana Energy Bar

By: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I remember back however many years ago it was that I started the Everyview network (I really don’t remember it very well at all). After working as hard as I could (I really put very little effort into it) to acquire a sizable amount of daily traffic (our actual daily traffic reflects the actual amount of effort I put into the site), companies finally started sending me samples of their products in exchange for very well-written (barely comprehensible) reviews.

I was getting energy drinks, video games, books, albums, food… all kinds of stuff! My friends thought I was the coolest kid on the entire block! Keep in mind the fact that my friends are all ages 11-13 and I am a 22 year-old grown man. However, it was a double-edged sword. Sure, I’d often get awesome products to write reviews for, but equally likely to happen was the exact opposite. I’ve consumed some pretty terrible products in the last three (or how ever many) years.

Samba99, the latest free product I’ve received, is an all-natural bar composed almost entirely of organic ingredients, and it has exactly 0g of saturated fat. Now if you don’t know me in real life, you probably know that Samba99 is far from my cup of tea. Also, you probably know that I don’t drink tea. I probably should have said that Samba99 is far from my jar of gravy, which I do drink. A lot.

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We’re Back!

Or will be soon, rather. I’m working on getting everything running properly and doing a tad bit of tweaking here and there. At any rate, reviews should start again soon. In the meantime, why not head on over to our parent site, Everyview, and see what we’ve got going on over there. Just recently got that site operational again, so go show some love with lots of kisses and heavy petting.

[Review] Unwind Ultimate Relaxation

I, as anyone who has read my review for Drank or ViB likely knows, am a huge fan of relaxation drinks. However, I hardly ever get to enjoy them since literally no gas station around where I live carries any brand of any type of relaxation shot or drink, which is why I’ve only reviewed a slight handful of this type of product. You see, the only time I ever get to drink an anti-energy beverage is when I go out of town to places like Cincinnati, Memphis, Michigan City and Nashville, and those trips don’t happen very often.

That is why, on my recent road trip to Memphis (which is a terrible place), I picked up a few cans of my personal favorite, Drank, and a couple cans of Unwind. This is ironic since I went into the gas station looking to buy a few Monsters to get me through the eight hour drive back home. In fact, it wasn’t until we had been on the road for about an hour that I realized I was thirsty and had only a pile of relaxation beverages to quench my thirst.

I’m not saying these drinks cause drowsiness or tiredness, but I’m very prone to highway hypnosis. The Drank seemed to intensify the effect, leading to many run-ins with rumble strips on the side of the road. Not that I gave a shit. I was too relaxed to jerk into the other. I was feeling smooth.

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[Review] Love Energy Potion

By Xaquiri Daiquiri

Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.

Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, through my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.

However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.

The other two options are ones I’m not so fond in, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of dealing with a shady drug dealer.

Thank God that there is finally a fourth way to find love. Harcos Labs’ newest creation, the Love Energy Potion, is sure to have the devastating effect of Cupid’s Arrow on any woman you give it to, making it impossible for her to resist you.

No, that’s not really what it is. Love Energy Potion is just a new flavor of Harcos’ classic energy formula, injected with some aphrodisiacs to pump your sex drive. I’m not a hundred percent sure if it truly has that effect, but we’ll see how it manages to stack up against stiff energy shot competition.

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[News] Harcos Labs Introduces New Love Potion

Harcos Labs, the folks behind a host of thoroughly awesome energy products like Health Energy Potion, Nuclear Energy Powder, and both Blood and Zombie Blood, are launching their newest product just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Love Energy Potion looks to keep the form factor of Mana and Health Energy Potions with its mystical vial-like bottle, and will have a strawberry flavor. The whole gimmick behind the shot is to get your partner in the mood for some good old-fashioned sexin’ this Valentine’s Day, containing ingredients like horny goat weed that are said to be sexually stimulating.

Check out the sexy site dedicated to Love Potion by following this link. Just remember to keep it in your pants.

[Review] Revive Energy Mints

First off, I’d like to apologize to all of my readers for not posting a single update to the site since October 22. Yeah, I’ve been really busy lately. School, working two jobs, running for mayor, and simultaneously playing through Dragon Age: Origins and The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask has really taken up a large sum of my time, and I have to admit that Caffeine Critic has recently become the least of my worries. I’m thinking about possibly hiring someone with a passion for energy drinks to join the team and write a review or two a week.

But you don’t care about that! You care about Revive Energy Mints!

If there’s anyone reading this that also reads Everyview, you may recall some overly negative reviews in regards to energy mints and candies before. That’s because energy mints are almost always terrible. There are very few redeeming qualities to these candies, and in the end it just isn’t worth putting up with the painfully awful taste of the products to freshen your breath and get a quick kick. Is Revive a rare exception, or another forgettable energy mint?

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[Review] Louisville Cardinals Red Bird Energy Drink

Energy drink brands licensed by sports teams or athletes almost always suck.

Really.

The closest thing I’ve had to an energy drink endorsed by a pro sports athlete was Amp Tradin’ Paint, and that was licensed to the Dale Earnhardt Jr. name, and he’s not an athlete. He’s a race car driver. And anyone who thinks Nascar drivers are athletes, or that Nascar driving could ever be considered a sport is an idiot. That’s like saying cheerleading or women’s basketball are sports.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yes, of course. I don’t even know what sport the Louisville Cardinals are associated with. Football or basketball, one of the two. I know baseball already has a Cardinals team from St. Louis, so I don’t imagine there is room in the league for two. But maybe there is.

I honestly don’t care.

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[Review] Theazine (Energy Supplement)

Energy supplement

image via theazine.com

Generally speaking, energy pills aren’t really my thing, and I’m not quite sure why. You can get as much caffeine out of a couple of tiny capsules as you can from an entire leading brand energy drink, only without all the sugars, carbs, and sodium often associated with highly caffeinated beverages. So when the good folks behind Theazine offered to send me a bottle of their product for review, I hesitated a bit before deciding to accept it.

Now I’ve meddled with energy supplements before, once to be exact, and had a very bad experience — a fact that likely attributes to my reluctance to ingest the pills now. I remember it vividly. I was taking a night class, algebra to be exact, during my senior year of high school when a fellow student offered me some supplements he’d stolen from a gas station before class was in session. Then, somehow, I ended up taking like six of them, likely due to a dare, and almost instantly regretted it. I felt dizzy, nautious, and my skin turned a strange speckled color combination of red and cream. And then I puked.

Looking back on that instance, I was an idiot.

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[Review] Rumba Energy Juice

It was a couple of months ago that I laid my hands on my first can of Tango Energy Juice, a cocktail of 100% juice and plenty of added goodies to help get you through the toughest part of your day. Rumba is a cousin to Tango, and houses the exact same energy blend with a different flavor.

Straight from the can:

New Rumba Energy Juice, the natural goodness of 100% pure juice living in perfect harmony with our tried and true energy boosting blend of vitamins, minerals and nutrients.

A pleasing composition of flavor, taste and texture is an uplifting way to start your day!

Rumba …Dance the Day Away!

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