By: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I remember back however many years ago it was that I started the Everyview network (I really don’t remember it very well at all). After working as hard as I could (I really put very little effort into it) to acquire a sizable amount of daily traffic (our actual daily traffic reflects the actual amount of effort I put into the site), companies finally started sending me samples of their products in exchange for very well-written (barely comprehensible) reviews.

I was getting energy drinks, video games, books, albums, food… all kinds of stuff! My friends thought I was the coolest kid on the entire block! Keep in mind the fact that my friends are all ages 11-13 and I am a 22 year-old grown man. However, it was a double-edged sword. Sure, I’d often get awesome products to write reviews for, but equally likely to happen was the exact opposite. I’ve consumed some pretty terrible products in the last three (or how ever many) years.

Samba99, the latest free product I’ve received, is an all-natural bar composed almost entirely of organic ingredients, and it has exactly 0g of saturated fat. Now if you don’t know me in real life, you probably know that Samba99 is far from my cup of tea. Also, you probably know that I don’t drink tea. I probably should have said that Samba99 is far from my jar of gravy, which I do drink. A lot.

Review:

Look, I’m going to be completely honest with you. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who will live to see the age of 30, and those who won’t. Me? I’ll be lucky to hit 27 and have both of my legs still attached. My diet consists of Monster Energy Drink, raman noodles, adderall, and children’s cartoons. This product is about as far away from something I would willingly eat as it gets. But I gave my word that I would try it and write a review, so that’s what I’m doing.

As far as I’m concerned, these bars are pretty gross. They come in a really attractive packaging reminiscent of the fatty, deliciously sweet Toblerone candy bars, but contain no such delight. Instead, the only thing you’re going to find when opening the box is a triangular bar of dried organic fruit.

Dried. Organic. Fruit.

FML, why did I agree to do this?

I thought about employing a few different techniques to make consumption of this atrocity more palatable, like covering it in cheese sauce or just throwing it away and making up a bunch of bullshit without eating it, but upon realized both of those things would be way too much work,  I  simply ate it.

And you wanna know what? I hated it. It was disgusting. It tasted like… well, dried organic fruit. But I forced the whole thing down and, by the time it was gone, I didn’t hate it quite as much. Make no mistake, I still hated it, but it did grow on me a little bit.

Samba99 sent me two bars, so I decided to let my little sister, a health-studies major, try one out since here taste buds have yet to be seared off by chemical-based energy drinks and bulk amounts of whiskey.

Surprisingly to me, she loved it. She was able to discern and explain the flavor of the bar, and appreciated its texture far more than I did. She recommends it to “any human being with a functioning brain,” going on to say “don’t listen to anything my idiot brother says. He is going to die a fat virgin at the age of 23 from a myriad of complications with diabetes and heart attacks, though I really kind of just hope he gets hit by a bus.”

I do admit, I did feel fairly uplifted after consumption. A few hours was all it lasted, but it was a calm boost of energy from the guarana’s caffeine that I rather enjoyed.

Final Words:

Samba99 is, according to my sister, a delicious health product with very many positives and very few negatives. The ingredients are mostly organic, there is very little sugar or sodium, and is chock-full of antioxidants. She definitely recommends anyone who leads a healthy lifestyle tries some, as it is one of the best fruit bars she’s tasted.

Head on over to Samba99′s website to learn more about and purchase Samba99 Guarana Energy Bars.

I, on the other hand, hated it. In defense of Samba99, I am as far from their target demographic as it gets.

Score: 8.0/10 (According to someone who leads a healthy lifestyle)
1.0/10 (According to someone who considered covering it in cheese sauce and baking it on top of a frozen pizza)

I, as anyone who has read my review for Drank or ViB likely knows, am a huge fan of relaxation drinks. However, I hardly ever get to enjoy them since literally no gas station around where I live carries any brand of any type of relaxation shot or drink, which is why I’ve only reviewed a slight handful of this type of product. You see, the only time I ever get to drink an anti-energy beverage is when I go out of town to places like Cincinnati, Memphis, Michigan City and Nashville, and those trips don’t happen very often.

That is why, on my recent road trip to Memphis (which is a terrible place), I picked up a few cans of my personal favorite, Drank, and a couple cans of Unwind. This is ironic since I went into the gas station looking to buy a few Monsters to get me through the eight hour drive back home. In fact, it wasn’t until we had been on the road for about an hour that I realized I was thirsty and had only a pile of relaxation beverages to quench my thirst.

I’m not saying these drinks cause drowsiness or tiredness, but I’m very prone to highway hypnosis. The Drank seemed to intensify the effect, leading to many run-ins with rumble strips on the side of the road. Not that I gave a shit. I was too relaxed to jerk into the other. I was feeling smooth.

Review:

Luckily I didn’t die.

At any rate, Unwind has an almost erotically delicious aroma that explodes from the can as soon as the tab is cracked, filling the room around me with a delightful orange scent that pleased all of my fellow coworkers. It’s certainly reminiscent of orange soda, making it the polar opposite of Drank’s grape soda odor, and earning it extra points in my book.

The flavor, while not exactly what I was expecting, is also delicious, only to a lesser degree. The orange soda flavor hits first with all of its crisp and refreshing glory, satisfying every single rotted sweet tooth in my mouth. Immediately following this perfect flavor, unfortunately, is a blast of creaminess. Not that it detracts too much from the beverage’s overall merits, but said creaminess was definitely something I could have done with out, and it took Unwind from orange soda-tasting to something more along the lines of orange sherbet-tasting. If that’s your thing, then this is definitely for you. Hell, even if you just like things that taste good, this is for you. Why am I complaining? Unwind is thoroughly delicious. Who cares if it isn’t orange soda?

The effect was not necessarily the most impressive I’ve ran into, but it certainly worked. About halfway through the can, which I drank over the span of around an hour, I began to feel the effects working into my veins. I felt lax, cool, and alright with everything. I wasn’t drowsy or sleepy, but instead calm and collected. It wore off a bit quicker than I would have preferred, but that is just a minor gripe. Solid performance overall.

I found Unwind for $2.29/12 fl oz can, making it a bit more expensive than Drank, but more affordable than ViB. I would say it is definitely worth grabbing if you spot a can at your local gas station. If you check the drink’s online store, you can find a case of 24 16 fl oz cans for $54.95 ($2.29/can).

Final Words:

Unwind is a relatively little-known product in the relatively little-known world of relaxation beverages, but it is certainly on its way. Right now it is only available in Jackson and Memphis, TN, but I see it working its way to other large cities relatively quick. I’m certainly a fan, and if I ever have a chance to have another can of Unwind Citrus Orange, I certainly will.

Score: 8.0/10 (Great)

Aroma: 8.0/10
Taste: 8.0/10
Effect: 7.5/10
Value: 7.5/10

By Kat Leonard

Okay. I am not a girlie person. Nor am I TOO concerned about my figure. But apparently there is some sort of market out there for energy drinks geared towards women. I am a woman. But that doesn’t mean I want a pink can. I am almost offended by the fact that companies think they need to make a pink can to attract women. Of course… I’m not a usual woman, am I?

Oh well. I’m sure there are women out there attracted to the pink color of cans, clothes, etc., but I just am not one of those. I never have been, I never will be. What’s even worse is that the can is tiny. You know those cans you would get with your Lunchables sometimes filled with that subpar Cola? That size. I hope this doesn’t feminize me.

Review:

Sniffing at the contents, it smells fruity with a kind of chemical odor to it as well. This does not make me want to try it any faster. Tasting it, it is almost exactly how it smells. Fruity. I can’t really pinpoint all of the fruits but strawberry is definitely in there. I HATE STRAWBERRY. Yeuch… Though to be fair I am not really cringing at the fact I have to finish the can. Also, there isn’t much of a kick to this. How do I know before I finish the can? The ingredients list. It is powered by 1,000mg of Taurine and 80mg of caffeine. There are some nice vitamins though like B3, B6, things like that so it will add to the whole kick factor.

Hype is all about the fact that their drinks are natural and healthy. In fact I have another drink in my fridge that calls itself organic (I’ll be reviewing that at a later date. It’s the biggest can out of them all). In my sample box I also received something akin to a shot glass. Kids these days say it’s called a shooter. Okay. Well whatever it is I must admit that it is kind of cute. Unfortunately I can’t try this ‘shooter’ yet because of medical things (no booze for me). Maybe when I go to try the other 3 cans of Hype I will be able to mix it with some of my schnapps or rum. Erm… do you mix rum with energy drinks? Oh well. Never hurts to try!

Where was I? Oh right… Hype Enlite. If you can get past the fruity smell, the fruity taste, and the PINK CAN then you might as well at least try it. It’s got a moderate kick. Again, this stuff is geared towards women. I guess women don’t need the same 100-200mg of caffeine kick that men do? I don’t know. I do know I’m more masculine than feminine and that I damn well need more than just 80mg of caffeine. Though it does have taurine which studies show does nothing towards giving you a kick. So basically the leg that the drink has to stand on is the caffeine leg. Taurine has better things to do in our bodies than give us an energy boost though. Research it sometime.

Final Words

Without being uber feminist, I will say that the pink can is… really only going to attract Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. I probably would have not picked up the can in my local supermarket or gas station by color alone. Yes, that is how I pick out my food, drink, and clothes. By color.

The 80mg of caffeine falls way short of the content in other energy drinks. The taurine (1000mg of it) is necessary for muscle function so… I guess this drink can kind of help you work out a little bit at the gym? If you can stand taking such a pink can into the gym.

Really, there are far better drinks to grab. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. And the fact that it’s so small compared to other energy drink cans, you’d be better off buying something else. It isn’t bad to try, just not something I personally would make a habit of drinking. The kick isn’t there, the smell and taste are off-putting to me. Of course, your mileage may vary so who knows? This pink drink may be for you.

Score: 6.0/10 (Below Average)

Aroma: 4.0/10 (not something I’d want to sit around and sniff. In fact, the couple of sniffs of it were enough)
Taste: 6.0/10 (I personally hate strawberry, but it seems like something you could use in a daiquiri or some sort of other fruity mixed drink)
Kick: 7.0/10
Value: 7.0/10

By Xaquiri Daiquiri

Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.

Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, through my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.

However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.

The other two options are ones I’m not so fond in, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of dealing with a shady drug dealer.

Thank God that there is finally a fourth way to find love. Harcos Labs’ newest creation, the Love Energy Potion, is sure to have the devastating effect of Cupid’s Arrow on any woman you give it to, making it impossible for her to resist you.

No, that’s not really what it is. Love Energy Potion is just a new flavor of Harcos’ classic energy formula, injected with some aphrodisiacs to pump your sex drive. I’m not a hundred percent sure if it truly has that effect, but we’ll see how it manages to stack up against stiff energy shot competition.

Review:

Upon releasing the cap from the little potion-shaped bottle, I leaned in for a sample of the sweet aroma of love’s luscious nectar. Hm… Strawberry? Yes. Strawberry. The perfume is rather light, and very stimulating with a slightly sour aspect that tingles your olfactory receptors into an orgasm. Not a good orgasm really, instead one that took far too long to arrive, and you’ve had to struggle just to keep your erection after a drawn out sex session. It’s kind of nice, but certainly far from the best you’ve ever experienced.

The flavor is much more solid, offering a candy-like appeal that is sweet, artificial, and very satisfying. The viscous texture of the shot helps it achieve a feeling of refreshment that so many energy shots aren’t able to find. The loose liquid also ensures the shot is able to flow out of its awkwardly-shaped bottle without a slow-drip effect.

In terms of boost, Love Energy Potion performs just as amazingly as I have come to expect from Harcos. It hits fast, lasts a decent while, and makes you feel absolutely awesome. It may be a little strong for many, but I found it to be some excellent, fidgetless energy that didn’t give me the shakes or have any negative effects. Until, that is, it wore off and I was left with a mild crash. I decided to slowly sip my second shot, making it last about half an hour (which isn’t easy to do with a 2 oz shot that tastes this good) and it made all the difference. The kick lasted even longer and I experienced no crash.

Final Words:

Love Energy Potion is an absolutely fantastic product, and one that I whole-heartedly recommend to everyone. Too bad I’m an awful reviewer and didn’t review this stuff while it was still available to purchase from Harcos Labs’ online store. Still, if you ever find it, give it a shot. If nothing else, I’m sure it’ll be back next year.

By Kat Leonard

Cue Rocket Man music
Out there… flying through the air. Red Bull gives you wings? This stuff known as Rocket Chocolate is supposed to make you fly through the air faster than a speeding bullet. But is it all that it claims? It says that it has twice the caffeine. But it doesn’t say what product it has twice as much caffeine as. Another part of the package says ‘Boosts like a cup of coffee’. Of course the package doesn’t list anything at all.

I couldn’t find anything on their site, so there’s really no telling at all what is in it. Bad score there. Bad form, too. The little package does, however, have a little drawing of a rocket ship. Each wrapper is differently colored according to flavor. The ingredients list on this one (Chocolate Mint flavor) states milk chocolate, lecithin, vanillin, coconut oil, caffeine, natural peppermint oil, glycerine. It also has a warning that it may contain traces of peanut butter. Good thing I’m not allergic to that.

Review

Opening the package, I can instantly smell the mint chocolate flavor. It reminds me of the mint chocolate after-dinner things one would get at a restaurant like Olive Garden. The actual chocolate is about as long as my pinkie finger but as thick as my thumb. It is also rectangular. A very interesting shape to be sure. I would have expected they would have some sort of picture of a rocket ship on the chocolate, but none was present.

Popping it into my mouth it tastes like mint chocolate. Of course it does. What else would it taste like? Carrots and peas? Anyways. It doesn’t seem like the chocolate is top notch but they have managed to hide the taste of caffeine for the most part. I find myself licking at my teeth a little bit to make sure everything is off of them. It has a bit of a chemical taste after the chocolate has melted away. I don’t really know if I’d find myself eating them at leisure. There are better chocolates I could pop into my mouth, certainly. Even Nestle would be a step up.

The best thing to do with this would be to just let it melt in your mouth instead of chewing and swallowing. They say that caffeine is absorbed quicker through the tissues in the mouth than in the lining of the stomach. However, I would much prefer to have a chewing tobacco than anything else. By taste alone I would prefer the energy dips I have sitting in my freezer.

It doesn’t take long for me to feel the effects. Right now I’m writing this while having recently popped one in my mouth. I can feel the energy coursing through my veins, but I feel jittery which tells me there must be a relatively large amount of sugar or something in the chocolate. I am pretty sure I’ll be having a crash soon enough. However, the caffeine content is very low compared to anything else really. Supposedly only about 42 milligrams per piece.

Final Words

The chocolate is not a bad deal considering how cheap each one is. You can find a good number of them for a nice price on the Rocket Chocolate website. However there are other things out there that would taste better and give you a better bounce in your step. It also gives you the jitters which is a negative in my books. However, considering the price for each it’s a good deal on the go. I still have no clue what ‘twice the caffeine’ is supposed to mean. Twice the caffeine of what type of product exactly? Coffee? Red Bull? What? Oh well… The caffeine content is only 42mg or so.

Score: 6.25/10 (Below Average)
Aroma: 10/10 (Very nice mint chocolate scent!)
Taste: 7.0/10
Kick: 3.0/10
Value: 5.0/10

By Kat Leonard

I am sad to say  I have been poisoned. Yes, poisoned. By Barium.

Oh wait… Are you telling me it was just a candy? Well then! Nevermind. I’ll be perfectly fine. Barium Energy Powder is one of the newer flavors of powders made by Harcos Labs. I have had a lot of horrible-tasting powders just like my fellow reviewer has had horrible mints.

I was a bit sketchy about trying the powder from Harcos Labs because of these previous experiences. So, I just ordered one tube and I am wishing I had ordered more. Find out why in a second…

Review

Harcos Labs has done a nice job with the packaging of this powder. It’s just a test tube-type packaging with, in simple wording, ‘Barium Energy Powder’ across the label. They are also kind enough to inform us that it has 90mg of Caffeine in each tube. I, however, did not put all 90mg of powder in my mouth at one time. It’s a good thing I didn’t. For one: That is a lot of powder. And two, the taste is liable to wake you up even if the caffeine doesn’t.

Black cherry flavoring doesn’t just mean it tastes of cherries, but that it is also as sour as the day is long. I love sour things, but not a lot of people do. Especially not Warhead sour like the Barium is. Have you ever had a Warhead? No? Well it’s almost the exact taste.

I tried the powder multiple times. One day I had 45mg before I went to drive to get something to eat. It didn’t really wake me up like I was thinking it would, but it tasted great so I just considered it to be a nice sour pixie stick. The second time was the other night before I watched Dead Snow. I uhm… made a mistake watching that movie before bedtime so it’s a good thing I did have the rest of the tube. I have been awake for some time now and refuse to leave my room without a knife handy. That’s how I roll. No Nazi zombies will come after me, dangit.

I will say that the powder likes to bubble once it hits your tongue. It turns into a nice cherry liquid. But be careful, it has been said that it turns your mouth colors. In this case, your tongue might turn dark purple or even black. I did not witness this but of course I ate and drank afterward so it was probably washed away before I could check in the mirror.

Final Words

The Barium powder is really, really good. Even if it didn’t have caffeine content I would buy it. That is how good it is. We need more sour powders out there in the world. However, the kick is not as great as other powders I’ve tried. But, and this is a big but, the taste is amazing for those of us who love sour cherry things. So, if you are a fan like I am, I’d suggest picking up a tube or two. Just don’t be expecting an amazing kick. It is after all only a bit more caffeinated than a regular soda.

Score: 8.0/10 (Great)

Aroma: 8.0/10
Taste: 9.5/10
Kick: 7.0/10
Value: 8.75/10

Other Reviews:

ED Junkie

image via Candy Hero

By Kat Leonard

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Heck, I might as well admit it. I one hundred percent fall into the ‘gamer’ portion of the energy drink consumers. I am not an athlete. Never will be. I was for a short stint but we won’t talk about that. You don’t want to hear about my personal history, you want a kickass review for Whoopass Energy Drink!

Review

Let’s get it out of the way: I don’t drink these in preparation for strenuous activity. No. For me, I don’t need a lot of energy. Just enough for me to get that “DING!” I don’t lose sodium in my sweat because I don’t sweat during my play sessions. So most of what the drink is made for is lost on me. It’s the caffeine and such I’m looking for, and they have got it in there. Last night I was able to stay up to watch the Swedish foreign film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Heard of it? You should at least read the book. But I digress… I was able to get through the entire thing and be alert enough to follow the plot. It was kind of late and I was tired from a bad night of trying to get food… Again, I digress.

I have had Whoopass before writing this review. It is a good drink. I would buy it from the stores just like I buy my AMP and Monster. Opening the can as the label demands you get a nice fruity type smell as most energy drinks have. I don’t smell anything medicinal, nor do I taste it. What I do taste is something akin to dragonfruit and vanilla. The last couple of cans I’ve had, the drink has been a little sour, and that was the case with last night’s can. It made me pucker a little, but after a few sips it began to go down smooth. I suspect my taste buds were still in shock from the sourness. However, there are a lot of drinks that stay sour the entire time you drink it, so this is not bad at all.

I have a confession… I’ve only had actual Jones Sodas a couple times in my life. They are always so expensive when I go to buy a 6-pack. The few times I’ve tried them it’s been because of a friend who has them. It’s been so long I don’t even remember what one tastes like. One thing I do know for certain is that Whoopass is definitely heavier-hitting than the innocent sodas that the Jones Company sells. And without the jitters of some other drinks.

Final Words

Contrary to popular belief, you do not need to be a part of the MMA to knock back a can of Whoopass. Or open one, I suppose. I am not. I never will be. It has a good kick that won’t make it feel like you have been knocked out by an MMA champ afterward (in other words, no crash). Each can has a lot of vitamins, minerals, and free radical-neutralizing compounds. Yum. But you don’t taste any of them. Just that interesting type of dragonfruit and vanilla flavor.

As with any drink, your mileage may vary with whether you like the taste, like the smell, like the kick, etc. Also, if you’re sensitive to caffeine you… well what are you doing here? This site isn’t for you. Go on. Shoo! Anyway… yes. I definitely suggest you at least pick up a can of Whoopass at your local grocery store or gas station. Then later you can get a 4-pack or whatever you desire if you find you like it.

Score: 8.0/10 (Great)

Aroma: 8.0/10
Taste: 8.0/10
Kick: 8.5/10
Value: 9.0/10

This review by: Kat Leonard

Other Reviews:
BevReview
Caffeine-A-Holic

Look for my reviews at least once a week. I’ve got quite a few things in stockpile already.

If there is any product out there that you want reviewed, just send me an email entitled ‘Caffeine Review Suggestion’ to tdn.kat(at)gmail(dot)com.

Harcos Labs, the folks behind a host of thoroughly awesome energy products like Health Energy Potion, Nuclear Energy Powder, and both Blood and Zombie Blood, are launching their newest product just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Love Energy Potion looks to keep the form factor of Mana and Health Energy Potions with its mystical vial-like bottle, and will have a strawberry flavor. The whole gimmick behind the shot is to get your partner in the mood for some good old-fashioned sexin’ this Valentine’s Day, containing ingredients like horny goat weed that are said to be sexually stimulating.

Check out the sexy site dedicated to Love Potion by following this link. Just remember to keep it in your pants.