Caffeine Critic

[Review] Bad Girl Turbo Shot

Maybe there’s just something wrong with me, but I’ve never really wanted to get with a bad girl. Something about hooking up with a slobbery slut with split ends, throwing your hot dog down her hallway, and contracting syphilis just doesn’t appeal to me.

However, I was willing to temporarily put aside my distaste for feminine rashes and confusing odors and decided to dive head first into this unique little shot. The pink packaging and ladylike design ensure I’ll look like a homo if anyone sees me with it, but it’s kind of like a moped, right? Fun to ejaculate on but don’t tell your friends because they’ll just think you’re weird. Something along those lines, anyway. I’m not sure what the exact saying was.

Review:

After twisting off the cap, I leaned in to smell the roses, and to my pleasant surprise, I found that Bad Girl’s aroma smells nothing like the yeast infection and sweat I had half expected. The sweet berry-like aroma is very refreshing, very sweet, and very smooth, and is honestly one of the better-smelling energy shots I’ve ever come across. I’m actually disappointed that there are literally no traces of Dollar General body spray or disposable douche in the aroma, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that at least one element becomes apparent in the flavor.

I hesitated before slamming this stuff back. I mean, if I swallow this “Bad Girl,” I’m swallowing every one she’s ever been with. What if she has something? To help myself feel a little bit better about this, I ran to the Circle K gas station and bought a banana flavored condom out of the bathroom dispenser, ran back home and slipped it on. I’m not sure if it’s on properly, but it smells really good. I wonder what it tastes like…

Anyway! Let’s get on with the review. A small sip yields fantastically pleasant results. Had I known it would be this good I wouldn’t have waited so long! A mere 4 seconds later I finished, though now that the deed is done I am starting to feel regret. Mainly because I can’t get this awful fucking aftertaste out of my mouth. Seriously, it’s disgustingly bitter and painful to swallow. Holy shit, this is gross. Why did I do that? It must be all that foundation and eye liner, trying to cover up the disgusting truth. In terms of flavor, Bad Girl is a fat whore.

I’d say it took roughly 10 minutes for me to start feeling the kick, and at about the 30 minute mark I’d say it was as close to full effect as it got. It was a decent boost while it lasted, but at about the two and a half hour mark, the kick had completely tapered off. Weird, I’m usually the one who finishes too soon, leaving a disgusted female depressed and regretful in my bed while I leave to go wash my mouth out. Looks like this “Bad Girl” only cares about herself, as she was quick and disappointing.

In terms of value, you can buy a case of twelve shots for an astounding $35.88. That is fucking ridiculous. This should cost no more than the cheap and easy whore it really is. Don’t be fooled by the push-up bra and mini skirt, her boobs are tiny and her legs are blemished with cellulite dents all over her hairy thighs. Do not spend money on this awful product, unless you just want to look like a douchebag for your friends by walking around with this piece of trash. If that is the case, head on over to your local Big Lots and find them marked down for a single buck. Much better.

Final Words:

Bad Girl Turbo Shot? More like Venereal Disease Crab Bag. Seriously, this is an awful product. Not the worst I’ve ever had, but awful none the less. I should’ve worn an extra condom.

Pros

• It smells good?

Cons

• Sandy rashes
• Puss-filled warts
• Unpleasant odors
• Regret

Score: 4.2/10 (Bad)

Aroma: 7.75/10
Taste: 3.0/10
Kick: 4.0/10
Value: 2.0/10