[Review] Samba99 Guarana Energy Bar

By: XAQuiri Daiquiri

I remember back however many years ago it was that I started the Everyview network (I really don’t remember it very well at all). After working as hard as I could (I really put very little effort into it) to acquire a sizable amount of daily traffic (our actual daily traffic reflects the actual amount of effort I put into the site), companies finally started sending me samples of their products in exchange for very well-written (barely comprehensible) reviews.

I was getting energy drinks, video games, books, albums, food… all kinds of stuff! My friends thought I was the coolest kid on the entire block! Keep in mind the fact that my friends are all ages 11-13 and I am a 22 year-old grown man. However, it was a double-edged sword. Sure, I’d often get awesome products to write reviews for, but equally likely to happen was the exact opposite. I’ve consumed some pretty terrible products in the last three (or how ever many) years.

Samba99, the latest free product I’ve received, is an all-natural bar composed almost entirely of organic ingredients, and it has exactly 0g of saturated fat. Now if you don’t know me in real life, you probably know that Samba99 is far from my cup of tea. Also, you probably know that I don’t drink tea. I probably should have said that Samba99 is far from my jar of gravy, which I do drink. A lot.


Look, I’m going to be completely honest with you. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who will live to see the age of 30, and those who won’t. Me? I’ll be lucky to hit 27 and have both of my legs still attached. My diet consists of Monster Energy Drink, raman noodles, adderall, and children’s cartoons. This product is about as far away from something I would willingly eat as it gets. But I gave my word that I would try it and write a review, so that’s what I’m doing.

As far as I’m concerned, these bars are pretty gross. They come in a really attractive packaging reminiscent of the fatty, deliciously sweet Toblerone candy bars, but contain no such delight. Instead, the only thing you’re going to find when opening the box is a triangular bar of dried organic fruit.

Dried. Organic. Fruit.

FML, why did I agree to do this?

I thought about employing a few different techniques to make consumption of this atrocity more palatable, like covering it in cheese sauce or just throwing it away and making up a bunch of bullshit without eating it, but upon realized both of those things would be way too much work,  I  simply ate it.

And you wanna know what? I hated it. It was disgusting. It tasted like… well, dried organic fruit. But I forced the whole thing down and, by the time it was gone, I didn’t hate it quite as much. Make no mistake, I still hated it, but it did grow on me a little bit.

Samba99 sent me two bars, so I decided to let my little sister, a health-studies major, try one out since here taste buds have yet to be seared off by chemical-based energy drinks and bulk amounts of whiskey.

Surprisingly to me, she loved it. She was able to discern and explain the flavor of the bar, and appreciated its texture far more than I did. She recommends it to “any human being with a functioning brain,” going on to say “don’t listen to anything my idiot brother says. He is going to die a fat virgin at the age of 23 from a myriad of complications with diabetes and heart attacks, though I really kind of just hope he gets hit by a bus.”

I do admit, I did feel fairly uplifted after consumption. A few hours was all it lasted, but it was a calm boost of energy from the guarana’s caffeine that I rather enjoyed.

Final Words:

Samba99 is, according to my sister, a delicious health product with very many positives and very few negatives. The ingredients are mostly organic, there is very little sugar or sodium, and is chock-full of antioxidants. She definitely recommends anyone who leads a healthy lifestyle tries some, as it is one of the best fruit bars she’s tasted.

Head on over to Samba99′s website to learn more about and purchase Samba99 Guarana Energy Bars.

I, on the other hand, hated it. In defense of Samba99, I am as far from their target demographic as it gets.

Score: 8.0/10 (According to someone who leads a healthy lifestyle)
1.0/10 (According to someone who considered covering it in cheese sauce and baking it on top of a frozen pizza)

3 Comments to “[Review] Samba99 Guarana Energy Bar”

  1. By Dave, November 27, 2013 @ 3:49 PM

    Hi Zac,

    I hope you are doing well. I’m impressed with your writing abilities. I’m the owner and founder of Ebars. Ebars.com. We launched Sept. 15, 2013. We are unknown to the public at this time. Right now, you are first person I’ve written like this. But, I stumbled across your site.

    Notice we have guarana in our bars, but, I’ll let you in on a secret, not published yet, our caffeine level is 23 mg. As you know, that’s low. More importantly, it’s coming for a Certified 100% Certified whole food.

    I hope to hear back from you.

    I would be glad to send you some sample bars for free.

    I wish you the best.


    Dave Dalton
    Founder Ebars

  2. By Dave, November 27, 2013 @ 3:51 PM

    Sorry, for my last post… I didn’t even review for the obvious grammatical errors.

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