Jan
26
2011

[News] Harcos Labs Introduces New Love Potion

Harcos Labs, the folks behind a host of thoroughly awesome energy products like Health Energy Potion, Nuclear Energy Powder, and both Blood and Zombie Blood, are launching their newest product just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Love Energy Potion looks to keep the form factor of Mana and Health Energy Potions with its mystical vial-like bottle, and will have a strawberry flavor. The whole gimmick behind the shot is to get your partner in the mood for some good old-fashioned sexin’ this Valentine’s Day, containing ingredients like horny goat weed that are said to be sexually stimulating.

Check out the sexy site dedicated to Love Potion by following this link. Just remember to keep it in your pants.

Dec
23
2010

[Review] Revive Energy Mints

First off, I’d like to apologize to all of my readers for not posting a single update to the site since October 22. Yeah, I’ve been really busy lately. School, working two jobs, running for mayor, and simultaneously playing through Dragon Age: Origins and The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask has really taken up a large sum of my time, and I have to admit that Caffeine Critic has recently become the least of my worries. I’m thinking about possibly hiring someone with a passion for energy drinks to join the team and write a review or two a week.

But you don’t care about that! You care about Revive Energy Mints!

If there’s anyone reading this that also reads Everyview, you may recall some overly negative reviews in regards to energy mints and candies before. That’s because energy mints are almost always terrible. There are very few redeeming qualities to these candies, and in the end it just isn’t worth putting up with the painfully awful taste of the products to freshen your breath and get a quick kick. Is Revive a rare exception, or another forgettable energy mint?

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Oct
22
2010

[Review] Louisville Cardinals Red Bird Energy Drink

Energy drink brands licensed by sports teams or athletes almost always suck.

Really.

The closest thing I’ve had to an energy drink endorsed by a pro sports athlete was Amp Tradin’ Paint, and that was licensed to the Dale Earnhardt Jr. name, and he’s not an athlete. He’s a race car driver. And anyone who thinks Nascar drivers are athletes, or that Nascar driving could ever be considered a sport is an idiot. That’s like saying cheerleading or women’s basketball are sports.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yes, of course. I don’t even know what sport the Louisville Cardinals are associated with. Football or basketball, one of the two. I know baseball already has a Cardinals team from St. Louis, so I don’t imagine there is room in the league for two. But maybe there is.

I honestly don’t care.

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Oct
6
2010

[Review] Theazine (Energy Supplement)

Energy supplement

image via theazine.com

Generally speaking, energy pills aren’t really my thing, and I’m not quite sure why. You can get as much caffeine out of a couple of tiny capsules as you can from an entire leading brand energy drink, only without all the sugars, carbs, and sodium often associated with highly caffeinated beverages. So when the good folks behind Theazine offered to send me a bottle of their product for review, I hesitated a bit before deciding to accept it.

Now I’ve meddled with energy supplements before, once to be exact, and had a very bad experience — a fact that likely attributes to my reluctance to ingest the pills now. I remember it vividly. I was taking a night class, algebra to be exact, during my senior year of high school when a fellow student offered me some supplements he’d stolen from a gas station before class was in session. Then, somehow, I ended up taking like six of them, likely due to a dare, and almost instantly regretted it. I felt dizzy, nautious, and my skin turned a strange speckled color combination of red and cream. And then I puked.

Looking back on that instance, I was an idiot.

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Sep
29
2010

[Review] Rumba Energy Juice

It was a couple of months ago that I laid my hands on my first can of Tango Energy Juice, a cocktail of 100% juice and plenty of added goodies to help get you through the toughest part of your day. Rumba is a cousin to Tango, and houses the exact same energy blend with a different flavor.

Straight from the can:

New Rumba Energy Juice, the natural goodness of 100% pure juice living in perfect harmony with our tried and true energy boosting blend of vitamins, minerals and nutrients.

A pleasing composition of flavor, taste and texture is an uplifting way to start your day!

Rumba …Dance the Day Away!

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Sep
24
2010

[Review] Xyience Xenergy: Lemon Blast

I’m sure that a lot of you who don’t know me assume that I’m an exceptionally fat, lazy sonofabitch that sits on his ass all day and does very little with the chemical energy I put into my body, instead letting it sit and be absorbed into my growing collection of pounds and thigh dimples. If you ask anyone who’s met me, they’ll tell you that, for the most part, you are right.

But that’s not true. I put my energy drinks towards great use to accomplish many amazing feats. No, not contracting diabetes. Jerks. I like to ride my bike a lot. I enjoy adventuring outdoors. I go to the gym every once and a while for strength training. But more important than any of those, I’m currently playing through Metroid Prime: Trilogy. The whole thing. All three games. From start to finish. I need the energy more than any physically active person out there.

So I figured since Xenergy is the official energy drink of the UFC, it would probably be up to the task of helping me collect all twelve artifacts in the first Metroid Prime.

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Sep
19
2010

[Review] Free Sin Vitality Drink: Greed (Lemon)

can of Free Sin

Sins you can commit without consequence are awesome. Things like becoming a Catholic Priest and swearing celibacy for The Lord only to turn around and molest small boys are usually fair game for all God-loving individuals. It’s also great to claim to love God and all of His children only to turn around and tell racist jokes about how worthless blacks and Mexicans are. Not to mention gay bashing. All of those sins are quite delightful, and there’s no way God would ever get mad at you for doing any of that!

This stuff isn’t a “Get Out of Hell Free” card, but instead a sugar free version of the Sin Vitality Drink I reviewed last week. Drinking Free Sin isn’t going to help you get away with murder in the eyes of our Father, unless you’re killing any man or woman of Middle-Easter descent, especially those bastards that built that Mosque by Ground Zero, but it does give diabetics that chance to Drink in Sin without losing their left foot a week later.

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Sep
17
2010

Caffeine-a-Holic Hosting Easy Contest, Generous Prizes

My good friend Bryan Foster, AKA the Caffeine-a-Holic, has been running his own energy drink review site for a while now, and is doing something big to celebrate his 150th product review. It looks something like this:

Daaaaaaaamn boiii!!

And get this, that’s not even everything he’s giving away. To enter all you have to do is leave a comment on his contest post and follow him on Twitter. That simple.

So what are you waiting for? Go! Go! Go!

Sep
12
2010

[Review] Sin Vitality Drink: Greed (Lemon)

Sinning is bad. Sinning is deliberate disregard for the rules and regulations for human behavior set forth by the Holy Bible. And that is bad. If you don’t believe in the bible, sinning could be defined as disregard for the rules and regulations for human behavior set forth by society. You know, your peers, your friends, your social groups, cops. Especially cops.

Drinking Sin is nowhere near as bad as committing sin. Killing babies, drowning babies, punching babies, suffocating babies, burning babies, choking babies, dropping babies, spilling babies, throwing babies, bashing babies, tripping babies, pushing babies, mocking babies, eating babies, drinking babies, stealing babies, shooting babies, buying babies, selling babies, puking babies, cooking babies, losing babies, hiding babies, and mowing babies. Babies, babies, babies! What am I some kind of Baby Rights Activist?

Come to think of it, no. No I’m not.

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Sep
4
2010

[Review] Monster Absolutely Zero

Straight from the can:

People have been blowin’ up our inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster. We got it, but this ain’t soda pop, dude!

Making a zero calorie, zero sugar drink that’s good enough to earn the Monster M ain’t that easy.

Finally with a re-tooled energy blend, new sweetener system and hundres of failed flavors, we absolutely got it right!

Monster Absolutely Zero helps fight fatigue, improves mental performance and focus, motivates you to work (I mean play) harder, so generally you feel pretty damn good.

Zero calories, zero sugar, killer buzz… Absolutely Guaranteed!

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